lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
