Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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