I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
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