I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Randomize
