8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
