every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
