I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
COCAINE IS GR8
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Randomize
