Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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