3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Randomize
