Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
