all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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