Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
