Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
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