I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
