we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
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