She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I really don't want to move...I'm having a motivation problem.
kev is about to show us pictures of the tranny he accidentally fucked last night.
I'll be there in 10
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
