Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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