Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Randomize
