As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
i've created a new STD.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
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