every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
two words: eviction party
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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