my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Randomize
