matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
