repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
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