His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Randomize
