and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Randomize
