My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
