Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
