One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize