I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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