absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
You had me at "let me see your balls"
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