I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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