Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
now i know why i became what i already was.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Drunk is a universal language darling
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