someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Are you guys doing anything tonight?
Krysta
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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