Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
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