I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
