i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Randomize
