This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
They are going to name an STD after you.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
