he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
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