the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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