Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
