I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize