I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
