i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
