Even the bartender felt bad for me
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
