i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
I thought you said his peep was too small
it is but i have no money and nothing is on tv until 7 when americas next top model comes on.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
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