if you like me you must not know who I am
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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