how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
I stole a fireplace last night.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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