His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
