I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize