1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
This is not my ceiling
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
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