I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
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