In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Rumble strips road head = magical
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Randomize
