he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Randomize
