bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
