this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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