Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
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