Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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