i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
