I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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