there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
where are my eyebrows?
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
