Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Randomize
