Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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