I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
